Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Two Women and One Outlaw !!

I dont know why Ladies love Outlaws.
I'm basically a nice guy (ceptin the men gunned down and a few bank jobs) other than that I just try to be a good guy...But lately I have been propositioned by more women in the same week than I have in all my younger years...(maybe it's my beer gut and they think its a sack of cash) Anyway this good looking gal has been actively pursuing me but the timing was always wrong.
Well Kate (thats her name) noticed my Beer Gut and figured Her way to my heart was thru my stomach so she made me a fantastic looking cake and brought it to me...When she showed up at my hide-out (remember the bad timing?) I was currently having a drink with a gal that was two shots of tequilla away from jumping up on the table naked and doin the wild monkey dance. when all the sudden Kate walked in the door with a delicious looking cake. She was just a bit surprised to find Edith climbing up on the table with a shotglass in one hand and her blouse in the other. Now let me tell you one thing about me...I have always been a man who could handle a situation (usually with a little gun play) so I wispered to Edith that Kate had brought her a birthday cake so she would figure thats why Kate showed up... Then being the coniving bastard I am,I told Kate that Edith was a little tipsy and wanted to pretend she was a stripper in a night club but was a little shy and wanted me to pretend to be a customer (I LOVE ROLL PLAYING!)
Edith got up and stripped down to her panties (looked like colored butt floss) and then asked if I wanted a Lap dance!!! Well Hell yea! but Kate was starting to give my those go to hell looks and I told Edith that it would'nt be such a good idea cause in a strip club you were not allowed to touch the dancers and with two good-looking gals in the room I didnt trust myself to obey the rules (neither did sheriff Pat Garret) but Kate suggested it would be okay if my hands were tied,which totally caught me by surprise because of the looks she was giving me earlier.
So Kate tied my hands to the chair so I couldn't break the rules and Edith climbed up and straddled my lap putting her feet on the seat of my chair and proceeded to sway and bend and squat and girate and Kate could see my excitment in the form of a pup tent in my wranglers and asked if I wanted to touch Edith... Well Hell YEA! but she then reminded me of the rules and my promise to the Govorner of New Mexico and said SHE would touch her since my hands were tied and I wouldn't be breaking any rules... Well that wasn't actually what I had in mind but (in my twisted mind) I had an Idea! If Kate started rubbin all over this fine lookin woman I would be in like flint for a threesome by the time the game was over, so I agreed. I told her to touch her breast first and then slide her hand around to her tummy, Kate did just that and I thought this was cooler than a desert morning in a cave....then when I directed her to another spot, all the sudden it was like she wasn't listening...then I noticed Edith had taken Kate's Face and pushed it Hard into her firm breast and Edith had started undressing Kate and before I knew it the two of them were on the floor twisting and wiggling and rubbing each other like two Possum's in a gunny sack fightin to get free... I hollered for Kate to untie me but instead she shoved a handful of cake in my face to shut me up which gave her an Idea...
Both gals started rubbing cake all over each other and licking it off and here I am tied up like a fool. after a few hours they took a shower together (not that there was any cake left on either one of them) ... I suspect they were still working each others kinks out til I finally got free and found they had crawled out the window....DAMN...I missed out on one hell of a time...but when I got out of the shower I found one piece of cake left on the kitchen table with a recipe next to it..
The name of the cake you won't believe ...."better than sex"... bullshit ..it is not!! but it is good!!
so the morale of the story must be...
You can have your cake and eat it too!!! But you can't have your Kate and Edith too!



Better than Sex ?


Billy the Kid

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Texas Turkey

Here in the Great State of Texas we love our Turkey (wild turkey)
I cant count the times I've seen a Texas Turkey (armadillo) on the side of the road drowning his sorrows over a bottle of Lone Star Beer, cause on of his family members was Flat broke or one of lifes problems had him Crushed...
I get together with family (inlaws and outlaws) and have a feast every year about this time and I often wonder what we would be eating if the Indians would have killed a Cat instead of a Turkey....
Happy Turkey Day!!! to everyone...

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Jesus and Bartenders Hear It All !!


Have you ever felt like Dorothy in the Wizzard of Oz ? Like the whole world was twisting around you and you either had to move with it or get out of the way?
I tend to be a story-teller...A person who finds pleasure out of tellin a good story ( I,m not talking about the story Pat Garrett told about shootin me), mine are not for personal gain but for fun. A good story-teller can put you in his shoes and help you to visualize what he is talking about, We used to sit around the campfire and tell stories to each other just to past the time. Some people have a knack for it and others just screw it up! I tell so many that friends find it hard to know when I'm serious or not....well...this one is the Real Deal, A No Shitter (Now why would I lie about a thing like that???)
I was in this waterin hole one time and someone made a comment about one of my hero's not being a real hero... Let me tell you right now that if you wanna rile me up just start slingin mud at my buddy Scoobie-Doo... OK ,maybe Shaggy and Scoobie were stoners ,it's possible, Yes I know they are a little paranoid and yes I know they always have the munchies but maybe running around chasing ghost makes you hungry, and maybe the villian mixed microdot in with the Scoobie Snacks or the Mystery Machine's exhaust is getting to everyone... But Scoobie-Doo has on numerous ocaisions tripped up, caught, exposed, trapped, sniffed out or uncovered the villian more than anyone on the show!!!
So I started telling the bartender I needed to use the phone to call in some back-up .
She made some smartass comment like "Who ya gonna call, Ghost Busters?" Now I'm Pissed.
Nobody's gonna get away with that king of talk... So I grabbed the next plane outta there and headed for New York "seemes this time of year all my ol runnin buddies head north for the holiday's.. when I got off the plane I just headed out, searching for some backup help...
The streets were extremely crowded and many of my friend were tied up..
Charlie Brown was busy playing football,Bullwinkle was chasing Rocky down the street,That idiot Woody Woodpecker just laughed at me, Gumby was doing the hoky-poky, Even Kermit the Frog was too busy running around with the Cat in the Hat to want to help... But at last I got a thumbs up from Garfield so I,m just gonna sit tight and ride the train back knowing help is on the way " Tell me Scoobie-Doo ain't real... Tell me I'm Lying???
Jesus and Bartenders hear it All....!!!!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Fast and Furious !


Boy I'm tellin ya, holidaze are here before ya know it!!
I was headin to my favorite waterin hole and just about got into a bottle neck of traffic on Hwy 6 and hwy 281... seem everyone was tring to get into the Koffee Kup Kafe at the same time for one of thier famous $25.00 slices of meringue...So I cut a left at the plumbers, ran the stop sign in front of the police station (out of respect) and

as I crossed the Bosque River I saw a little water under the bridge and remembered how I used to fish up from the park and how I used to be impressed with all the quietness of Hico...
Now its Fast and Furious and ever man for himself...
Bulldos for everyone!!! in a hurry gotta go!!!

Friday, November 18, 2005

"Oceanaria"

O..cean..aria
There's so much that isn't seen.
the waters calm on top,
But there's so much more beneath.

I stand alone observing,the different shades of blue;
Your beauty is most obvious,
But I know there's more to you...

The shore surrounds the water,
and holds it in its place.
But it can't restrain the life beneath,
It's confined to its own space..

Sometime's feelings overflow,
At times they run away..
Just like the waves that crash the shore,
then race back to the bay.

Life beneath the Horizon,
Can show itself at will.
It can jump with jubulation,
or submerse and just be still.

I for one, live on the edge.
Ride the waves out to the calm.
To my Sweet Oceanaria,
To you I give this song.

Man of Conviction...


I am a Man of Conviction...



I shattered these walls...






Spent my life in a bottle...







Cut myself , had to crawl







Stared down the barrel of a 45..

Dared the man on the other side..

To have the guts to pull the trigger!!!

I am a man of conviction...


Promises kept, Promises broken...

I left nothing uncertain...

I took the lower road,

My back bent to carry my load...

I made a fool of myself most days...

never cared for what the others say...

Living my life day by day...

I am a man of conviction...

Convicted of loving one girl too much...

Sentenced to live without her touch...




Convicted of somehow forgetting GOD...






Sentenced to life of HELL on EARTH...





She ain't coming back...
Though I never told even a lie...
It wasn't my intention...

I am a man of conviction!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Trying to Get aHEAD !

After all I've been through in this life I have found its almost impossible to get ahead...

Sometimes the weight of the world is just too much and I feel like there's a giant hand crushing my skull....shoving me back into the dust from whence I came.

Times are hard and "The Man" keeps you down to where its almost impossible to make an HONEST living. (which is why I went to stealin in the first place.)
The only way I was to get outta the thievin occupation was to cut a sweet deal with Pat Garrett and split my own reward money..
Plus the extra money we would make off of my supposed Death makin him famous (I would later get a piece of his story sellin money...

I mean $5000.00 aint squat these days (couldnt buy a decent horse) but back then you could get 2 Sin-yorita's and a bottle of whisky for a $5.00 gold piece.

A good stiff drink cost around $5.00 and a decent motel room is way above $50.00
when I first started out (as a KID!)
by bounty wasnt $50.00!

makes me wanna go back into the business!!!

BTK

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Good ole Big-ens or Big ole Good-ens?

I've been asked before "Would Billy rather have Good ole Big-ens or Big ole Good-ens?"...and after giving it a fair amount of ponderin I've come to the conclusion it dont matter what you call it ....JUST GIVE IT TO ME !!!.....
let me put it in prospective for ya...

Down at the cantina they would just bring me a Beer....
Down at the feed lot,,,a bale of hay or a sack of oats...
Down at the Bank, a bag of money...
Down at the post office, a stamp...
Down at the diner, a Sirloin...
Down at the Mercants Market, a plug of tobacco...
Down at the Undertakers, a casket...
Down at the Livery Stable, a Clydsdale...
Down at the Church, a Bible...
Down at the Sherriff's office, a Warrant for my arrest...
Down at the Hotel, a room
But if you go down to Miss Kitty's and ask for a BIG OLE GOOD_EN
or a GOOD OLE BIG_EN.....your libel to get more than to bargained for
like I did last night. That girl was ALL THAT and more
It was ALL GOOD, though I hated havin to leave...
She can wear anything and make it look good...
But ya know what looked best on her????

ME !!!!









Know why she's leanin on the tree??

Why not use both arms and rest a while??









Billy The Kidder??

Monday, November 07, 2005

Peeping Tom


Ok, You got me... Now tell me you have never been guilty of peeping...
When I was very young and curious I had a friend with a pool. There was a big privacy fence around the pool and every morning during the summer (since we were bored) we would be looking for something to do and invariably one of us would suggest "Hey! Johnny! Lets go watch your mother tan in the nude!!!!
Johnny should have knocked us out but he let us do the deed.
"Its your ass if you get caught!!! he would say..
but it was her ass if we didnt!!!!


Dont get caught!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Use your Brains !

Mamma always told me to use my brains. When a hard situation would arise she always wanted me to figure it out for myself... This was her way of getting me prepared to face the world head-on. "Use the brains God gave you!" she would tell me over and over"
But hav'nt you ,at times, just wanted to chill and use someone elses brains to get you through the day? Some would say it's just plain lazy to rely on others but Daddy always said
"Work Smart not Hard" so who do you listen to?
Dont get me wrong, I have always been a thinker; a user of the brain, if you will....
I have lain awake many a night pondering the mysteries of the universe.....Spent hours and
even days looking for an answer to lifes most puzzling questions...such as...

Why is there a light in the Fridge but not the Freezer?

Can a Hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If Wile E. Coyote had all that money to buy Acme stuff,
Why didn't he just buy dinner?

Do you see what I mean? Many unanswered questions out there!

If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares ....Why is there a song about it?

Who was the first person to say...."See that chicken over there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it ASS!.....

Why does a dog get mad when you blow in his face, But take him for a ride in the car and he wants to hang his head out the window and face into the wind?

Why do Twinkle Twinke Little Star and the Alphabet song have the same Tune?

Why did you just start singing??

If people point to their wrist when they want to know what time it is....
Why dont they point to their crotch when they want to know where the bathroom is???

Maybe I need to eat more Brain Food....

in closing....Power to the Brain!!!!!!!!


Wednesday, November 02, 2005

COOL Weather !

I sure like the cool mornings we have been having lately.
on chilly mornings it makes me want to roll over and get some Honey to feed the BEAR in me!
GGGRRRRRRR....
I always seem to be late for work more during the winter...
I wake up and the warm covers feel extra nice wraped around me,
my face being the only thing exposed to the crisp air on the other side of the covers.
I seem to get alot more exercize too..(Hit Snooze allot more)
By the time I get enough nerve to get out of bed I head straight to the shower turn on the hot water and stand there for what seems like five minutes but in reality is about thirty...
but by this time the gas hot water heater has heated the whole house and I'm ready to start the day...ceptin I have developed a slight cough and as ol Jed Clampets Ma used to claim
("cures what ails you") get me a pull off the bottle and I'm Good to Go!!!!
Taint nutin like seeing a bubble in the bottle ever morn ,,,,just to get the blood flowin...
I guess that comes from my raisins... Ma used to keep her daddy's remedy in the medicine cabnet. the remedy, cough syrup, was a mixture of...
Jim Beam (for the base),rockcandy (for sweetnin), honey (for sweetnin and sticktuitiveness)
and lemon juice (to take the bite off!!!)
Some of my earliest memories was back when I was about 6 or 7 years old and I would walk
around the house with this fake cough (cmmphhh cmmppphhh) and Ma would say "go get ya a spoonful of medicine sweetie!" and I was supposed to get a spoonful but a good shot would get me in the mood for school.... (and they wonder why we drink!).

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

The Last Thing They Saw!

In my Lifetime I've experienced a shitpile of extreme circumstances that I was able to overcome only because I wernt skeered. and in fact I often tell folks "Dont be skeered"
because skeered is as skeered does (damn you Forrest Gump you got me confused!)
taint nothin to be skeered of but skeered itself!! (a little better).
I've seen the demise of some pretty good men that let the situation control thier actions.
sometimes you have to cowboy up and take the bull by the horns!
My good friend Wild Bill Hickowski met his match in Barcelona because he let the situation control him..... This was the last thing that he ever saw !!!!!

















Take the Bull By The Horns !










Another compadre Black Bartley run off to Europe and was trying to find a place he could do some girl-watching from. He would sit on steps and spy from there but people would walk by and obstruct his view so he looked for a higher vantage point and this was the last thing he saw!!












Watch Your Step !










And my amigos Butch Cassidance and the Sundy Kid ran off to South America to escape justice and while there they did alot of back woods stuff... I dont know if they ever saw it comming but this is thier last known whereabouts.....










and Dont Ride Your Horse Across
a Suspension Bridge!!!!











so be yourself , do what you want , but "Dont Be Skeered"

" Billy The Kid "